A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.

His wife asks, “What’s the matter?’

“My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green,” the lawyer replied.

“That’s terrible,” said his wife.

“You’d better believe it,” the lawyer said. “After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry....”

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.

“Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”

“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you

just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."

Poof! She’s gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He’s gone.

"You’re next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

How do you define double jeopardy?

When a lawyer calls in her partner.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office—I forgot to lock the safe!”

“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,

Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.

Said the client, "Tell me how

You can be friends, who fought just now."

"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,

Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."

--Burl Ives

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”