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Home - L - Lawyer Jokes - Show me the money

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.’”

“In the law, the only thing certain is the expense.”
--Samuel Butler

“You’re a cheat!” shouted the client to his lawyer. “You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!”

“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me?

Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your lightbulb or theirs?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

My lawyer suggested that before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, the lawyer told me, I'll be a mile away from him, and I'll have his shoes.

Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual dinner. All look glum.

The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work.

Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says.

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case:

“It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.”

We used to joke about “Having the best judge money can buy.” No more. Today, by the time you get through paying your lawyer, you don’t have anything left for a judge.

What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
They both enjoy carving up the pie.

What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

Why is money green?
Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.


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