“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.”

“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
--William Shakespeare

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked.

The terrorists threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?
A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?

If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.