“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.”
--Anonymous

“Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.”--
Ambrose Bierce

“Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others.”
--James Gibbons Haneker

“Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good...even when they try.”
--Charles E. Sherman

“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.”
--Franz Kafka

“Personally, I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer.”
--Will Rogers

“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
--Will Rogers

“There are three sorts of lawyers—able, unable and lamentable.”
--Robert Smith Surtees

A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.

Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.

How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.

What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need—but you can’t understand a word of it.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What is the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life-support system.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn’t think she’s a lawyer.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law.

A great lawyer knows the judge.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Vampires only suck blood at night.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.

And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
Both have hearts like stones.