“It’s better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law.”

--Chinese proverb

“When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.”

--Cicero

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.”

--A lawyer speaking to a judge

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

A musical lawyer that I know never lost a case. Whenever he questioned the appropriateness of testimony, with a long drawn out “Objectioooo.....n,” the judge had to admit it was sustained.

A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.

When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”

Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and lawyers.

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:

The Judge: Are you the defendant?

Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

We heard of a lawyer who said, in the summation of his case, “And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.”