“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”
--Benjamin Franklin

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Do you know why a rattlesnake will not bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy!

How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
You can make a pet out of the snake.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wing-tips off at night.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.

What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off when you are dead.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

Why are lawyers like beavers?
They get in the mainstream and dam it up.

Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.