Home - K - Kill Jokes

What is green, has four legs and can kill you if it falls onto you out of a tree?
A snooker table.

What is pretty and delicate and carries a sub-machine gun?
A killer butterfly.

Jailer: Come on, son, you're in for the chop.
Convicted killer: Oh no! I ordered steak and fries.

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father?
An orphan.

What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies?
A Killergran.

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup.
Yes sir, it's the heat that kills them.

"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. "
'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ."
"Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots."
"Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."

Teacher: And did you see the Catskill Mountains on your visit to New York State?
Fred: No, but I saw them kill mice.

Why was the sword-swallowing monster put in prison?
He coughed and killed two people.

Fred: I'm too tired to mow the lawn.
Father: You're just lazy. Hard work never killed anyone.
Fred: I don't want to be the first!