Home - H - Husband Jokes

Mrs Smith was always complaining about her husband. "If things go on like this I'll have to leave him," she moaned to Mrs Jones. "Give him the soft soap treatment," said Mrs Jones. "I tried that," replied Mrs Smith, "it didn't work. He spotted it at the top of the stairs."

First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days.
Second cannibal: How about a curry?

When Fred proposed to his girlfriend she said, "I love the simple things in life, Wally, but I don't want one of them for a husband."

Two friends were discussing the latest scandalous revelations about a Hollywood actress. "They say she likes her latest husband so much she's decided to keep him for another month," said one to the other.

Mr and Mrs Smith were always fighting. Then one morning as Mrs Snith was going to the bank she was knocked down by a hit and run driver. A police officer rushed up and asked her if she'd taken the car's number. "I didn't need to," replied Mrs Smith. "It was my husband in that car." "Did you see him?" asked the officer. "No," said Mrs Smith, "but I'd know that laugh anywhere."

Woman: If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Man: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

A salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life assurance policy. "Just imagine, if your husband were to die," he said. "What would you get?" "Oh a sheepdog, I think," replied the wife. "They're so well behaved."