Home - H - Hand Jokes

Teacher: Dennis! When you yawn you should put your hand to your mouth.
Dennis: What, and get it bitten?

Which hand should you use to stir your tea?
Neither - you should use a spoon!

What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.

Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.

Which hand would you use to grab a poisonous snake?
Someone else's

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Grub.
Grub who?
Grub hold of my hand and let's go!

"Waiter, waiter,there's a hand in my soup."
"That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl."

"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter.
"What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter.
"You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health, Mrs Smith. Your pulse is as steady and regular as clockwork.
Mrs Smith: That's because you've got your hand on my watch.