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Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.

[Translated comments are in brackets.]

"President Bill Clinton's Speach" Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
[I lied like a bitch.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.']

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our G-d.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.
[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]