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Bill Clinton after first moving into the White House: Ain't 'ya got any of that good orange screw-top wine like we have in Arkansas? This stuff is almost black and somebody done stuck a piece of wood down in here. Besides it ain't even fresh...1968...what you guys trying to pull here?!?

THINGS BILL CLINTON DOES FOR FUN :
A. Ponders how he'll look on Mount Rushmore.
B. Reads back issues of Veracity Anonymous.
C. Fantasizes about what marital relations must be like.
D. A good game of tonsil hockey with Monica.

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw in the bulb while the other tells us everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Things Clinton had to do to pass NAFTA:
- He now has to address Newt as 'Your Royal Highness'
- Loan Bob Packwood the Presidential Seal to help him pick up chicks
- Drive congressional grandkids to day care
- Loan Ted Kennedy his pants with the Velcro fly.
- Tuesday is Sombrero day at the Supreme Court
- Clinton has to divide his money between McDonalds and Taco Bell
- stop asking the girls at the McDonalds driveup window if they've ever tried a DNA Milkshake.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President.

After we get done with the Whitewater case the President's going to be in so much hot water he'll feel like a tea bag

Bill Clinton on oral sex:
It's okay. Just tell 'em you didn't swallow

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's reign?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Nothing.