Home - B - Baby Jokes

Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.

What was the policeman's baby's first words ?
Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby Owl.
Baby Owl who?
Baby Owl see you later, baby not.

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?
It has a rattle.

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.

What do baby pythons play with?
Rattle-snakes.

What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.

What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.

Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).

How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies.

Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.

Baby snake to its mother: Are we poisonous?
Mother: Why?
Baby: Because I've just bitten my tongue!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Underwear.
Underwear who?
Underwear my baby is tonight?

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.

Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a bullet.
Doctor: Well don't point him at anyone until I get there.

Fred: My mum's having a new baby.
Drew: What's wrong with the old one?

Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping

Definition of a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

Why did you drop the baby?
Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

It can't go on! It can't go on!
What can't go on?
This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.

Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby? She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.

Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?
I don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin

Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please?
But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight!
Yes, but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.

Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch!
Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it."

Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it's a nappy time.

Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?
Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.
Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.
"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.
"Under the bath."

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-et.

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered." "Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place." Startled, Celeste exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?"

My new baby is the image of me.
Never mind, as long as it's healthy . . .

My mum's having a new baby.
What's wrong with the old one?

Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
I'd much rather have a jelly baby.

Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?
Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.

Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.
Whose baby was it?
The elephant's!

A man rang the maternity home where his wife had been admitted to see how she was and whether she'd had their baby yet. 'Is this her first child?' asked the nurse. 'No, this is her husband,' he replied.

How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag.

What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
Where's Pop Corn?

Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it's a dear little thing.

When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn't he have an L-plate?

What brings the monster's babies?
The Frankenstork.

Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?
Because he wanted frozen pop.

Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?
Yes, that's right.
Well, I don't blame God for chucking her out.