Home - A - Age Jokes

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new."

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year."
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."

Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.

How old is your wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

`That's right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.'

`Well, sir,' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.'

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!'

Fred: How old are you?
Harry: Twenty-six. But I don't look it, do I?
Fred: No, but you used to!

Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing of it.
Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of it myself.

Doctor, doctor, my left leg is giving me a lot of pain.
I expect that's old age.
But my right leg is as old, and that doesn't hurt at all!

Where did Queen Victoria go in her 70th year?
Into her 71st.

Fred: How old are your grandparents?
Harry: I don't know - but we've had them ever such a long time.

Mother: Fred, go next door and see how old Mrs Able is, please.
Fred: Mrs Able is very cross with you - she says it's none of your business how old she is.

Fred had reached the age of 46, and not only was he still unmarried but he had never had a girlfriend. "Come along now, Fred," said his father. "It's high time you got yourself a wife and settled down. Why, at your age I'd been married 20 years."
"But that was to Mum," said his son, "You can't expect me to marry a stranger!"

The teacher noticed Fred was staring out of the window, not paying attention, and decided to catch him out.
`Fred,' she said, `if India has the world's biggest population and apples are thirty pence a pound, how old does that make me?'
'Thirty-two,' said Fred straight away. `How did you know that?' said the teacher, going red.
`Easy,' said Fred. `My brother is sixteen and he's only half-mad.'

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant.
"Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week."

What goes up and never comes down?
Age.

How do you know when you're getting old?
When the cake costs less than the candles!

What one thing is everybody in the world doing at exactly the same time?
Growing older!

Visitor: And how old are you, Fred?
Fred: Nine.
Visitor: And what are you going to be?
Fred: Ten.

Rick: How old is your brother? Nick: He's one.
Rick: Well! I've got a dog that's a year old and he can walk twice as well as your brother.
Nick: I should hope so - he's got twice as many legs!